


and i’ll fight to stay in the hell of my own mind

by confessionofaking



Category: One Day at a Time (TV 2017)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Heavy mentions of Schneider’s dad, Panic Attacks, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Schneider needs a hug, Trans Pat Schneider
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 12:41:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18591478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/confessionofaking/pseuds/confessionofaking
Summary: Schneider struggles with his demons when he’s alone





	and i’ll fight to stay in the hell of my own mind

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually the first fic I wrote for this fandom, and in order to procrastinate on studying for finals I decided it was time to post it on here.
> 
> It does focus heavily on insecurities stemming from emotional abuse from Schneider’s father, so once again, read with caution if that sort of thing is upsetting.
> 
> Title: Walls - The Color Morale
> 
> Tumblr @throwmetothelions / twitter @thisriverswild
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Schneider buried his face in his hands, a pitiful groan echoing through the empty apartment.

He was alone.

He’d done all of his super duties for the day, even spent a decent amount of time with the tenets that allowed him to stay longer than the job required. He’d even gone to a meeting, although despite having just got home, he was contemplating going to the next one they had. Anything was better than this.

The Alvarez family was out for the day — school, work, church. He knew he’d see them at dinner, but that didn’t change the fact that he was currently alone. In a giant apartment. Paid for by his father.

His father.

The man who only ever saw him as a failure. Schneider knew he was worthless in his dad’s eyes, hell, he was worthless in his own eyes. Schneider wasn’t the brightest man, but he knew all of his issues stemmed from the neglect and emotional abuse he experienced as a child. 

Schneider forced his eyes shut, trying to think of anything that wouldn’t make him spiral. He was thirty days sober, he couldn’t fuck that up. Not again. He refused to let his family down a second time. He promised them he’d get better.

He visibly relaxed at the thought of his family. Lydia, Penelope, Elena, and Alex. They had allowed him to be apart of their lives, and stuck with him even when he hit rock bottom. He’d never be able to thank Lydia for inviting him into their lives the day she brought him _sopa de pollo_ when he was at the rehab center. She had seen the good in him, or maybe she was just being a friendly neighbor, but that act of kindness made Schneider want to be a better man. 

A few minutes had gone by when Schneider decided just to lay down, because naps are always a good way to get out of your own head.

Two hours later, Schneider jolted awake, sweaty and covered with a blanket he hadn’t put there. 

_Penelope_ , he thought. She probably stopped by when she got home and found him asleep. She’d removed his glasses too, he noted. The thought brought some comfort to him, but then again, that was just Penelope. She always managed to comfort him. It was one of the things he loved about her, that she was just so naturally kind. And caring. Maybe too much for her own good, but Schneider wouldn’t change a thing about her.

As quickly as the thought of Penelope soothed him, it also made him twitch. What if she thought he’d drank himself into a stupor? Or that he was using again? 

In the back of his mind, he knew the thought was ridiculous. His apartment was spotless. He’d gotten so bored yesterday that he deep cleaned the entire place, and dragged a load of stuff away to Goodwill. 

Schneider found himself forcing his eyes shut for a second time that day, hearing his father’s voice in the back of his mind, calling him a failure, that’d he’d always be an addict and nothing more. His breathing picked up at the thought. He knew he should call Penelope, or his sponsor, but he couldn’t bring himself to pick up the phone. 

His chest constricted as his father’s voice in his head spat insults at him, usually the same mix of the usual bullshit, this time there was something new being said. That he didn’t deserve to be an honorary Alvarez, that Penelope didn’t trust him with the kids, because no one with common sense would trust an addict that had relapsed six times over the course of his life. He couldn’t take care of himself, so why should he be allowed to take care of her kids? 

He barely heard himself gasp for air when it occurred to him that father’s voice was no longer the one demeaning him, it was Penelope. His best friend in the entire world. Did she actually think those things? 

He needed a drink, but he’d have to go down for dinner soon and Alex had taken to questioning him every day, asking if he’d been drinking. Schneider didn’t blame him. But he also couldn’t show up and act natural around them, knowing he’d broken his promise. 

His phone vibrated in his pocket, but he couldn’t bring himself to answer. He knew that decision would cause an extremely concerned latina to rush upstairs.

Maybe that’s what he wanted, deep down. To be fussed over and have someone care about him.

As quickly as he thought it, he regretted it. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this. _Weak, as father would say,_ he mused. They’d spent enough time stressing over him. Plus, he was _their_ rock. He used to be the guy that always had it together, that they could always rely on, and now they had to baby him so he wouldn’t kill himself. 

While he was lost in his thoughts, someone knocked on the door. Only a few seconds had passed before Penelope burst in, key in hand. 

“Schneider?” She whispered. She did _not_ expect to find him curled up on the couch, as if to protect himself from the rest of the world. He had always been her rock, the one who calmed her down from anxiety attacks and helped out with the kids. Ever since he relapsed, the bright glow that seemed to encompass him had faded. It was like the sunshine getting covered by storm clouds on a summer day. 

It kind of sucked.

She knew he was trying to get back to his former bubbly, childlike self. She knew the storm clouds would eventually pass and the sun would shine again.

She missed it. Missed him, more than she could ever put into words. But she knew he was hurting. The embarrassment and guilt from his relapse, and the pain from being all but disowned by his father. She had thought about splurging on a trip to Canada to give his dad a piece of her mind, but she knew it wouldn’t help the man in front of her.

“Pat, hey.” He looked up at the sound of her voice, clearly unaware that anyone had entered the room. When he caught sight of her, his face crumpled and he broke down, sobbing into the blanket she’d covered him with earlier. 

Penelope’s heart broke. 

Deep down, she knew she wouldn’t be able to calm him down for a while. But she was sure as hell gonna try. 

She reached out to hold him, then stopped herself, unsure if he was comfortable with being touched right now. She’d never seen him like this, she really didn’t want to upset him more. 

Instead, she settled on talking to him.

“Work was good today, Pat. I got to tell a woman she was cancer free. She said she was bringing us brownies later this week, because we caught it early and gave her her life back. And then I was able to help this nice young man get started on hormone replacements. I wish you could’ve seen the look on his face, he was so excited. The kid was glowing, he had this goofy, carefree personality. He was such a kind, deserving person. He reminded me of you.” She paused, noticing that his sobs had died down to soft whimpers.

“Schneider, do you care if I touch you? I don’t wanna make this worse.”

He nodded and she immediately wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a hug that he so desperately needed. After a while, she began rubbing his back, something he’d always done when she was anxious. 

A few minutes had passed before she spoke again. He seemed calmer now, which she was grateful for. “Better?”

“Much.” He replied. His voice was hoarse from crying. He paused for a moment, clearly nervous about whatever he wanted to say. “I didn’t drink, Pen. I wanted to, but I promise I didn’t.” She hated how small he sounded.

“I believe you. Do you wanna talk about it? Maybe go to a meeting?”

She felt him tense for a split second before relaxing underneath her. “I went to a meeting earlier. But after that, I was alone and I just kind of...worked myself into this slightly less attractive mess before you.” She chuckled. He joked about his appearance, he was gonna be alright. He pulled out of the embrace they were in and sat back against the couch.

“I got lost in my head, honestly. It was the usual stuff, loneliness, father telling me I’m a disappointment.” She stiffened, biting her tongue to keep from interrupting him. How often did this happen?

“And then you were telling me you didn’t trust me because I’d gone through _this_ ,” he gestured around him “six times now. And that I didn’t deserve to be a part of the family.” She noticed tears well in his eyes, which made her tear up. He huffed. “Six times. God, father was right. I’m a fuck up.” He dropped his gaze to his lap, refusing to look anywhere else. 

“Schneider, you’re not a fuck up. You have a disease. You are so strong, and you always strive to get better. To be better. You’re more than your addiction, Pat. You are the kindest, most sincere man I’ve ever met. You’ve always been there for me, even when I didn’t deserve it.” She wiped the tears from her face before doing the same for him. “You’re always there for the kids, and I trust you to take care of them. And you know us Cubans, we don’t take that lightly. Mami adores you. You’re her child as much as me and Tito are.”

“Look, we all care about you. That won’t change, I promise you. We will always be there for you, because we love you, you hear me?” He laughed and nodded, going in for another hug. 

“Thank you, Pen.”

She squeezed him, desperately wanting to protect him from the world. “You don’t have to thank me. You’re family, it’s what we do.” She stood up abruptly, causing a distressed noise to fall from his lips.

“‘Now,” she held a hand out for him to grab. “We’re going downstairs to be with our family. You don’t need to be alone right now.” He glanced at her, eyes red and puffy behind his glasses. 

“Am I staying over tonight?” He asked. 

“Schneider, you could freakin’ move in if you needed to. But for the next few days, please stay with us?” 

Schneider nodded, smiling softly at her. She noticed the gleam in his eyes, and hoped that it meant that he was going to be okay.


End file.
